Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mirror, Mirror



Beginner’s Note:
At the fragile age of 18 I moved to New York City to attend a prestigious University that shall remain nameless. My very first day, in fact, in my very room, I met a young man named Victor Lee. This man, as I came to realize, was my opposite, my “Mirror World” or “Bizzaro” self. We share the same name, however while mine has a Greek origin, his takes its from the Latin. This was both a fantastic and terrible discovery. All this time there was another me, but living and doing horrible, regrettable things. I have maintained contact (not purposefully) with this young man, and well over two years ago he began to publish an online journal, or “blog” of his thoughts regarding…whatever he found to be important. THIS MAN MUST BE STOPPED. Ok, not stopped, but someone has to offer an alternate viewpoint other than this fiend’s. With that I present to you I AM NOT VICTOR: Your one-stop shop for all things not on Victor Lee’s mind. On this forum I will be presenting my responses to Victor’s posting with the noted exception of his sports his entries which, barring any relevant non-sports reference I will use as an opportunity to write about anything I want, or take a break. Enjoy, and don’t tread on me.


Let it be known throughout the land that I actually saw Four Christmases and personally contributed to its opening weekend #1 box office spot. That said, your post regarding it and the current trend in post-Oscar career moves is excellent. However I'm surprised you didn't stop to look at last year's Vince Vaughn Christmas (master?) piece, "Fred Claus". This film as well boasts a larger-than-normal number of Oscar winners (and multiple nominees). Among the list are: Kathy Bates (winner), Rachel Weisz (winner), Kevin Spacey (2X winner!), Paul Giamatti (nominee), and Miranda Richardson (2X nominee!). While not topping the awesome power of five winners in one crappy film, I have to say that I came away from Fred Claus thinking one of several possibilities (it was a long flight).

1. Oscars=Xmas
Despite my (and others) stead-fast belief that Hollywood is run by Jews and heathen Homosexuals, Oscar winners LOVE to make terrible Christmas movies. This is not a recent trend. In fact it can be dated all the way back to Jimmy Stewart in "Its A Wonderful Life". This probably goes back even farther, however I can't be bothered to do the research (my Grad Assistant is on this). More recently, we see this trend in Sir Richard Attenborough's portrayal of Santa Claus in the superfluous remake of "Miracle on 34th St." All I can say is that winning or being an Oscar nominee must indoctrinate the lucky parties into some kind of dark, Christmas-elf obsessed cult that gathers four times a year to don red suits and fake beards, eerily chanting "Ho Ho Ho" while performing weird sexual rituals in front of a Yule Log.

2. Vince Vaughn=Seasonal Warrior
The not-so-recently declared "War on Christmas" has a new weapon of mass destruction to contend with. Its name is Vince Vaughn-AKA Vincent Vaughn. 4XMASES is number three in is string of Holiday movies starring this baggy-eyed hero, the first being, of course, “Rudy”. While not specifically Christmas themed, I always associate it with the warm-hearted fuzziness of the Holidays as well as that scene when Ned Beatty stops work at the steel mill around Christmas to tell everyone "My son's going to Notre Dame!". What a braggart that guy. Could you imagine the scenario if Rudy had announced not only had he gotten into Notre Dame but he was an out and proud homosexual and he was going to get ON that football team!

But I digress...

The point is that Vince Vaughn (or his agent) has assigned himself as the savior of Christmas. That's right, CHRIST-MAS. None of this "Happy Holidays" "Kwanzaa", "Hanukah " or worst of all "Winter Solstice" (you can smell the patchouli all over that one) nonsense, but Christmas. Vince is here to once and for all make the point that the period from Black Friday to Boxing Day is the exclusive property of those who believe in the birth and righteousness of Jesus Christ. He has in fact come to save us all from the dirty hands of pagan Hollywood devil worshippers who insist that there was a winter before 0 AD. Even if there was, nobody got presents. Thank you Vince. May your spirit glow like Rudolph's nose.

3. Vince Vaughn CANNOT find real work
I was recently amazed/disgusted to discover that Vince Vaughn was paid a pretty sum of $20 million to appear in Fred Claus. $20 million? Seriously? Did that many people even see that movie when it came out? My only conclusion is that Vince Vaughn long ago joined the ranks of the simply unemployable. Office temp, waiter, even assembly line worker. Vince could not achieve, let alone sustain in any of these positions. As a result, he has been forced to make his living slumming it as an over-paid Hollywood actor. While other more capable souls are out there fixing peoples dishwashers, installing their cable, or healing them when they become sick, Vince has no purpose on this earth but to make terribly formulaic romantic comedies and shot by shot remakes nobody asked for.

All in all, Vince Vaughn will never be one of the Oscar winners featured in one of his shitty films.